Friday, February 24, 2012

Life Tips: Avoiding crocodile attacks.

Posted by K 

I know we all worry about it. Crocodile attack. There may be 6 feet of snow outside, but you just never know, do you? What if I'm at the bus-stop and a crocodile crawls out of the bushes? What if you're in the supermarket and you round the corner and bam! Crocodile in the steak freezer.

To help us all feel more prepared, I'm going to summarize some important tips I got from a book I'm reading called How to Hold a Crocodile.

How to escape a crocodile? Probably the most important information. Apparently crocodiles can run like the wind (unexpected with those tiny legs), so they say the secret to escaping one is to not run in a straight line. In the words of Peter Falk in "Meet the In-Laws", serpentine! Serpentine for your life!

How to hold a crocodile? The real question is, why would you want to? But I guess since that's the name of the book they felt the need to explain it. Basically, if it's a large crocodile it involves several ropes and people to hold them. Small crocodiles you put one hand behind their head and the other hand holding their feet. Preferably while wearing chain-link gloves.

The classic, how to tell a crocodile from an alligator? If you're trying to tell that you're way too close! hahaha. ha. ha. Ahem. Okay, you can tell when their mouth is closed; See teeth? It's a crocodile. No teeth? Alligator.

Well I see teeth, so clearly a crocodile.

Hopefully this will help with the identification and evasion of  crocodile attacks. Tune in next week for tips on how to recognize gold! (You know, when you're digging in your backyard and you want to know if you've hit the mother-load or found an old candy wrapper; the difference between a trip to the Bahamas or a trip to the garbage can.)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dear Spiders : Game on.

Posted by K

Those spiders think they're so smart, crawling on the ceiling where I can't reach them. I thought we had an understanding; the spiders stay out of my bedroom and I don't mercilessly squish them. But they've broken that treaty like 8 times in the past two weeks. So truce over.

They're not even the regular spiders, they're those creepy beige-coloured spiders that you don't see until they're crawling across the page of your book. They're crafty with their ability to blend into white walls. So far they've evaded me pretty effectively:

Attempt 1: regular tissue.

Fail. I couldn't reach that high :(

Attempt 2: throwing whole tissue box.

Instead of killing it, the box only knocked the spider into a pile of my clothing. Which means my shirt is probably a spider taxi right now.

 Attempt 3: Quincy attack

Even our combined length couldn't reach the spider.

All attempts have failed. But guess what? I have a plan. Just because it's called a fly swatter doesn't mean they own it, spiders! I'm going to find the longest fly swatter on the market, and then vengeance will be mine.

And because one of you spiders tried to land on my head at 5:30 in the morning (scaring about a year off my life), I'm going to make it the most obnoxiously happy fly swatter available. Maybe in the shape of a happy face. How horrible would that be as the last thing you see? If I were a spider I would seriously consider evacuating the premises.

A storm is coming spiders.

Monday, February 20, 2012

More fun than a barrel of results found.

Posted by K

When I'm feeling tired I like to look at funny pictures/videos to make me smile (that animated hippo singing "In the Jungle" is a personal favourite of mine).

Anywho, I remembered last month I was looking for a silly picture and found a skateboarding mouse in Microsoft Word by searching the word "fun" in the clipart/photo section, so I figure I'll find something good with other random 'happy word' searches.

Search: "Peanut butter jelly time". Result: no results found. (That was super random so I'm not surprised they don't have anything.)

Search: "More fun than a barrel of monkeys". Result: no results found. (Okay, I guess that's a little obscure.)

Search: "Awesome". Result: no results found. (Really? That seems odd.)

Search: "Radical". Result: no results found. (Um, I know it's an outdated expression but shouldn't there be at least one picture?)

Search: "Hahaha". Result: no results found. (???)

Search: "Wonderful". Result: no results found. (That's ridiculous! Why wouldn't they have 'wonderful' in their database?! wait, maybe 'ridiculous' will work!)

Search: "Ridiculous". Result: no results found.

Search: "Why?" Result: no results found.

Search: "What is wrong with you?" Result: no results found.


It was at this point I thought maybe my clipart search wasn't working, so I decided to try one more word.

Search: "Depressed". Result:

Wow. That's it Mr. "clipart program", you just made it on my list.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Pimp my Buspass

Posted by K

I need to do something nice for my buspass. I tend to take it for granted. I get angry when the plastic cracks in sub-zero temperatures, and blame it as a symbol of late buses and long commutes. But after using bus tickets for a month, I've come around. My buspass is always sitting in my pocket, right where I left it, easy to grab when I get on the bus. Not hiding in the bottom of my purse, so I have to fumble and run for the bus at the same time.

Plus I don't have to worry about running out of tickets (and paying even more money) if I want to go somewhere on the weekend. It's just one payment (albeit a disgusting large payment) at the beginning of the month and I'm free to travel as much as I want.

So, in honour of our 1.5 year anniversary together: buspass, this is all for you.

Before transformation: normal, bland buspass, with words and stuff:


After transformation: blinged-out batpass!

Ooooooh, Ahhhhhhh.

It's dual security and awesomeness; I figure it eliminates most theft as a giant glittery bat stands out. It would take a pretty bold guy to flash a bus driver a pass with a bejeweled bat. My ID picture may be a little blurry, but not that far gone.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Open Letter to 'Hanson' (that boy band from the '90s)

Posted by K

Dear Hanson:

I have had that song "doo-wop" stuck in my head for over 2 hours. It's driving me CRAZY.

I guess 'Bravo' to you guys  for writing a song that makes a lasting impression, but I don't want it anymore.

I haven't listened to your CD in over 10 years, so I don't think it's fair to torment me now. I just used up some of my precious ipod battery trying to drown it out, with no success. I really need that battery for the bus ride home. Okay, and I want to play "Klondike". That game really sucks up the power.

Maybe someone should invent a music track called "20 seconds of white noise" that can get any song out of your head.

In the meantime, I think you owe me something. I mean, I bought that CD at full price. In the words of Oscar from 'Corner Gas': I paid your salary! 
I at least covered dinner for one of you. Maybe you can return the favour. I like cheeseburgers.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Toddlers and Tiaras: Third Sign of the Apocalypse?

Posted by K

Somewhere between watching a Mom force her 6 year old to "count calories" and a discussion about waxing a 4 year old's back, I realized I REALLY have to stop watching this show.

It's like a train-wreck. I just can't look away. Even the commercials on this channel are disturbing. I just saw a guy make out with his car. I wish I was kidding.

I'm going to do it. I'm changing the channel.

Hmm, there's a movie called 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus' on the tv right now. Couldn't possibly be as disturbing as 'Toddlers and Tiaras'.

UPDATE: Oh. holy. crackerjacks. This movie sucks out loud.

Here's an example of just one of the gems: "I represent an elite group of military commanders. We're on a kill a shark." I watched for 20 minutes without seeing a mega shark or a giant octopus. What a rip off.

The end is nigh. Again.

Also, while I'm at it, never watch "Season of the Witch". 1.5 hours I will never get back. Nicholas Cage is totally phoning it in.

Quincy, after watching 10 minutes of 'Toddlers and Tiaras' :
"Call me a cab. I'm out."

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Bridge mattress : Defying explanation since 2012

Posted by K

A few days ago I was zoning out while riding the bus (as usual), when I spotted this:

Umm, why?

A Queen-sized mattress, sitting in the middle of a bridge on an extremely busy street. No apartment buildings for at least 2 blocks in any direction. Where did it come from? Why? I thought, maybe it fell off of a car, but wouldn't you notice if a giant mattress suddenly disappeared from your roof? Did someone get tired while dragging it home? It's been sitting there for a couple days now, so clearly whoever left it isn't coming back.

I decided to believe (based on no evidence whatsoever) that this mattress must have been used as a sled and ridden down the street (how awesome/terrifying would that be!), but I just noticed that the sidewalk clearly has no ice on it, so now I'm back to square one. Seriously, it's impervious to logic. And driving me crazy.